Category Archives: Parenting
‘My’ child
In debate with a Lord home educators have been told off for claiming possession of their children. A few thoughts.
Of course my child is MY child. Just as I am HER mother. Not that I own her like a thing, but on a far more fundamental level we belong together, are part of each other.
My husband and I created our child. She is a mixing of our genes. She grew in my body for 9 months – fed and enclosed by my body. Then when she was born I gave her warmth, safety love and breastmilk. At the age of 6 months every fibre of her being had been provided by me and the air around her. Her environment was determined by my body – a newborn baby’s natural habitat is afterall its mother’s body. That connection is powerful, primeval and all encompassing. Far more so than simple possession. As her parents we love her wholeheartedly – we shape her genes, her environment, her very experiences of the world around her.
And as she is MY child, I am HER mother, we are HER parents and family. Just as we have created and shaped her by our very presence and our love, she has transformed us. As parents we are different people to those we were before. She has taught us, and we have taught her. She shapes our family, remodelling my relationship with MY own mother and father and grandmother. I have changed from the child, to the parent.
This relationship is powerful – one full of love and connections. A powerful relationship, with it comes mind blowing responsibility.
As she becomes less dependent those links lengthen, but they don’t vanish. Just as I am still my mother’s child and my mother is still my grandmother’s. We shape each other, support each other and create OUR family in the process.
As we grow into adults the links lengthen, and as adults we move away from our parents in many ways. But one thing having a child yourself does is bring you back to your parents. It demonstrates the intensity of the mother-child relationship, usually long submerged in an adult’s life – it shows us how much we are shaped by our parents and how as our child transforms us, we once had that effect upon our parents.
Responsibility
As the Archbishop of Canterbury’s Christmas sermon bemoaned children’s lack of childhood Philip Johnston in the telegraph asks why adults are treated like children?
But Mr Johnston – both are true, and are two sides of the same coin – a lack of individual independence and increasing dependence on the state.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/columnists/philipjohnston/6898604/Why-are-todays-adults-treated-like-children.html?state=target#postacomment&postingId=6915144
Children are not allowed to be children anymore – they are rushed into school and away from families. Learning to read and write and formal learning generally happens far too soon. But it isn’t a step towards independence – rather a step towards dependence on schools and being told what to do away from parents. A step towards accepting what others tell them about the world, rather than discovering it for yourself. Children aren’t allowed to play freely and develop in their own personal way – in much the same way that adults are continually bombarded with instructions and fears.
If more children were left to play and spent more time with their families many would end up more independent in the long run, but also more involved in their own family life. The problem for those who see themselves as responsible for us all it that then people are less susceptible to being told what to do and how to live their lives. Those in authority are then perpetually afraid that something will go wrong and they will be blamed.
Those of us who want to take responsibility for our own lives and our families are increasingly pressurised to do things the state way, usually regardless of any scientific evidence for or against any lifestyle choice.
There is a growing body of evidence that bedsharing is as safe as a baby sleeping in a cot given certain safety requirements – but fears of SIDs distorts the evidence and cosleeping is seen by many as unsafe and by some as abusive.
Those of us who take full responsiblity for our children’s education are also seen by some as irresponsible despite decades of evidence from the US that shows above average outcomes for home ecucated children. We wish to provide an education that is personalised for our children, and may use a variety of approaches outside the experience of those educated and working in schools. As a result we have endured a year of accusations of child abuse, mental illness and huge pressures to conform. We face an uncertain future, with legislation pending that will mean that parents are no longer responsible for their own children’s education and require an annual license to maintain responsibility for their own children.
We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to uphold that parents have the primary responsibility for the upbringing and development of their child
We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to uphold that parents have the primary responsibility for the upbringing and development of their child, to not undermine parents legitimately fulfilling their fundamental duties, and to assume that the best interests of their child is the basic concern of parents unless there is specific evidence to the contrary
In particular, the government should ensure :-
• No right of access to the family home without evidence of a crime
• No right to interview a child alone without evidence of risk of serious harm
• No CRB checks or registration for parents to look after their own children, or to informally look after those of their friends, family etc
• No licensing / registration / assessment / monitoring of methods by which parents fulfil their duties without evidence that they are failing to do so, and with specific recognition that education “otherwise†than at school is a perfectly legal option to fulfil their duty regarding education
• No undermining of parents as being in the best position to determine how to meet their child’s needs, according to their age, ability, aptitude, and any special needs they may have
• Greater focus on applying existing resources and procedures to cases of children known to be at risk, rather than dilution of these resources by routinely monitoring whole sections of the community
• Compliance with the fundamental presumption of innocence unless there is specific evidence to the contrary
http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Home-ed-families/ – Sign this petition
You do need to be British citizen to sign, but you do not need to be of voting age – children can sign too as long as they have their own email address. REMEMBER TO CLICK ON THE LINK IN THE CONFIRMATION EMAIL YOU WILL RECEIVE FROM NUMBER 10, OR YOUR SIGNATURE WILL NOT BE ADDED
The Daily Groove –
I’ve been getting the daily groove email for a while now. And have been finding it a refreshing way to think about how I deal with situations with the girls. As with so much about parenting and relationships in general so much is in the eye of the beholder. These daily emails help focus that attention on my own assumptions, expectations and reactions.
The P.A.T.H. Program helps leading-edge parents harness the power of creative partnership. See: h
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Watford bans parents from adventure playgrounds
Completely typical of the current climate where parents are all assumed to be abusers.
We have been meaning to go, but now it is out of the question. E has clearly said that she won’t go unless she knows that I am there – not necessarily with her, but available if necessary.
This Government’s policies seem determined to undermine family life at every step. With the vetting and barring, banning parents from looking after each others children, and plans to interview home educated children as young as 5 alone (up until now reserved for abuse victims or those suspected of crimes).
Please, please, please – give some support to families. Parents and children must be encouraged to spend time playing together.
Young children and those with special needs especially need parental help settling in somewhere new. Parents need to be able to see how their children are getting on in a new environment before leaving them. It should be up to children to say if and when they want to be left alone.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/lawandorder/6453268/Council-bans-parents-from-play-areas.html
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2703465/Parent-fury-over-playground-ban.html?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1223528/Parents-banned-supervising-children-playgrounds–case-paedophiles.html
http://www.watfordobserver.co.uk/news/4705034.Parents_banned_from_council_play_areas/?action=thanks
“risks for babies whose parents did not smoke or consume alcohol or drugs but who did sleep with their baby were not different from that for babies in a separate cot”
OK – another study clearing saying what those of us who ever actually looked at the previous studies that supposedly linked cosleeping in an adult bed with cot death knew already…
Cosleeping is not a risk factor for SIDS – alcohol, drugs, smoking and sofas are.
Researchers say “Firstly, it is not enough to advise against cosleeping on a sofa; health professionals must advise parents to avoid putting themselves in the position where this could happen.”
The important part of this research is that it bedsharing with a sober, non-smoking adult is as safe as sleeping in a cot. Sofas are dangerous. The two must not be mixed up.
Telling parents not to cosleep has resulted in MORE deaths because parents then fall asleep with the baby in unsafe conditions – such as on the sofa.
The research actually found that
1. Baby sharing a bed with a parent who does not smoke, and hasn’t been taking drugs or alcohol has the same risk of SIDS as a baby sleeping in cot.
2. There is a higher risk to babies sharing with an adult who has been drinking more than 2 units of alcohol or been taking drugs.
3. Sofas have a higher risk of SIDS
4. Deaths in cots have declined, because of advice to have feet at bottom of cot, and to sleep on their backs.
Messages about how to cosleep more safely are what is needed.
http://www.babyfriendly.org.uk/pdfs/bfi_sids_statement_151009.pdf
And finally a newspaper produces a cosleeping story that reflects the research they are writing about! Interviewed in the Guardian researcher Peter Fleming says “My view is that the positive message of this study is that it says don’t drink or take drugs and don’t smoke, particularly for breastfeeding mothers. We did not find any increased risk from bedsharing. It is a very different message from the one the media picked up.”
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/oct/16/sudden-infant-death-syndrome-children
I feel sorry for Peter Fleming – why do the papers insist on misunderstanding his research.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2009/oct/16/cot-death-warning-misinterpreted
A generation of scaredy cats…
Risk fear creating ‘scaredy cats’
Author Tom Hodgkinson is speaking at conference on the balance between risk and safety. He warns that a preoccupation with minimising risk at home and in the classroom could be creating a generation of “scaredy cats”.
The conference, organised by Children in Scotland and Play Scotland, discussed whether risk aversion in society could have a long-term impact on youngsters.
This is what I am scared of …
This article shows just what I am scared of with respect to the Government’s proposed changes to home education.
What is to stop them using home education as a reason for taking my children away? What happens when an LA official doesn’t like my education methods, or doesn’t like that I don’t accept their methods of education.
They have an incredible potential power over us already – even now when the legal situation supports parent’s choices over education. How much worse will it be when the law doesn’t protect our freedom to educate in a way that works for our children, but only in a state approved way!
The Secret War Against Breastfeeding
Your breasts are in the middle of a battle. An expert tells you why.
Well thought out look at why breastfeeding, which should be so natural, can be so difficult to achieve.